Number One People Understanding Intimacy Styles Find Love
These days, when most of us are at home, alone or crowded with family members 24/7, when each of us has different needs for work or school from time to time, different styles of intimacy can cause a lot of discomforts, and we may not even realize it is the closeness styles we struggle with.
Privacy
Privacy is your personal power to determine your inner boundaries, and how much you will share with others. Your private thoughts, your emotions, your personal writing, your sex, even your bath time, and your clothes are all places where you may have different levels of comfort than other people. As in a private place, people have different privacy requirements because of history. For example, if you grew up with many siblings or close family members, who valued sharing, your personal privacy needs would not be the same as those of an adult who grew up with only one child, or in an emotionally distant family. You’ve developed a lot of space-sharing skills. In some families and cultures, respect for privacy and emotional well-being is even more important. For some, overcrowding and sharing are common.
These differences are matters of style — not of right and wrong. Any style, exaggerated, can work inefficiently, such as when warmth, intimacy, and interest become excessive and explosive; or, on the other hand, where respect for privacy and emotional security is cold and diminished.
Knowing how to navigate between the two approaches, and having a choice as to which one to use, is one of the skills that makes a difference between working relationships and people who are constantly in conflict.
Categories
We all have different stages of people in our lives. There are family members, friends, coworkers, coworkers, and acquaintances. And within these categories, there are levels of closeness. For example, in your family, you may feel closer and more comfortable with one sister or cousin than with another. Or, in your circle of friends, some may be more honest and warm than others. Some colleagues are likely to be true friends even in business dealings, while others are far away.
The difference in this relationship determines how far they can work or how close they are to each other. Knowing how to use your privacy power will make a huge difference in your marital relationships, as well as with your friends, extended family, and business associates. The following exercises can help you understand your style and make it easier to understand others.
Exercise: Intimacy Inventory
Ask yourself the following questions:
- Do I prefer to be with other people or alone?
- If someone else borrowed my clothing, would it feel good, like sharing, or intrusive, as if they were taking advantage of me?
- Do I like to be with one person at a time, or do I prefer a group?
- Would I rather talk to someone, listen to him or her, or read to myself?
- Do I like to talk about my spouse to my friends?
- Do I like it when my spouse tells friends about me?
- What limits do I want to set about talking to friends about relationships?
Asking yourself questions of this nature will help you get in touch with how much privacy or closeness you need. Once you know your personal privacy needs, you will be much more aware of what kind of intimacy feels good, and when it doesn’t, in your various kinds of relationships.
Others
To learn about the intimate needs of your mate and other people you know, observe them:
👉Who sits or stands closer to you at a party, and who keeps some distance?
👉Who shares a lot of personal information, and who keeps personal details secret?
👉Who is curious about you, who never asks?
👉Who tends to touch people on the shoulder or arm, who hugs, and who never touches except for a handshake?
👉Of your co-workers, who is all business, and who likes to have friendly chats?
👉Do you know of siblings who share clothing, and are always talking about feelings?
👉Do you know other siblings who hardly talk?
All these details are clues to the privacy needs of the people around you. If you pay attention, people will demonstrate their tolerance level for intimacy. Once you understand your own privacy needs, and the difference between your needs and the needs of others, you will find that you can work out privacy issues much more easily in all your relationships. Discussing the power of privacy will make you and your partner more comfortable with each other, and with other people.
What’s the Number One Reason People Can’t Find Love?
The number one reason people can’t find love may seem obvious. Yet, it is a problem for everyone. If it were that obvious, no one would do it. The number one reason people can’t find love is that they don’t listen.
I’m sure most believe they are listening. In a way, we are taught to pretend to listen. People believe listening means you are making eye contact and you are quiet. For the record, most are not quiet. They cut the other person off every time they don’t like what they hear. As for others, they are listening to respond. Still, others are listening and comparing what is being said with what they have heard in the past. In either case, they are not listening to understand the speaker. If you notice, few questions are asked. When they are, it is to invalidate what is being communicated.
When you don’t listen, it is unlikely you will understand them. The bigger question is: what are people listening to when someone is speaking to them? In many cases, people do not realize they are listening to belief systems they inherited from their environment. That causes them to make judgments without taking into consideration what they are really hearing.
There are so many cases when two people are compatible. Except, they cannot see it because they are not listening. They may believe the person does not fit their image. At the same time, most times people are not compatible. However, they miss that fact because they were not listening. In those cases, they may believe the person meets shallow criteria.
Believe it or not, people really need to be trained to listen. In our current social structure, it is not taught.
